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Please critique my Budget Brainiacs Direct-Response Package

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Direct-Response Copywriting Sample - Budget Brainiacs – Bine-Stock

Envelope teaser:

Act NOW to safeguard your kids' financial future!

Headline:

Discover how your kids 10 and up can learn financial skills for a lifetime of success. Announcing “Budget Brainiacs,” the unique, fun, rewarding website teaching “financial literacy.” Act now and get TWO FREE GIFTS!

Body of Letter:

Dear Mother of a Tween or Teen:

Every mother daydreams about the time her kids are 18 and leave home for the first time – maybe to go to college, maybe to start their first “real” job. You miss them, sure, every mom does – you love them – but you also enjoy the quiet and more time for yourself.

Then, BOOM! The phone starts to ring. You get panicky calls from your kids: “Mom, how do I open a bank account!?” “How do I rent an apartment!?” “How do I make a budget!?” Your sweet daydreams have turned into a nightmare.

“What went wrong?” you ask yourself. After all, you sent them to the best schools you could afford. You helped them with their homework. Maybe even hired a tutor to help with math. Your kids got good grades. So what went wrong?

What Went Wrong

Your schools let you down. You see, our schools teach math, sure, but most don't teach the financial literacy skills necessary for a high school graduate to succeed in the “grown-up” world.

Trae Bodge, consumer spending expert and former senior editor of The RetailMeNot.com Insider said, “It's my opinion that we have a national financial illiteracy epidemic.” I couldn't agree more.

How to Make it Right

We can help. Now. Before it's too late. While your kids are still ages 10 and up.

And it won't take any more of your too-little time. In fact, it will save you time, because our program teaches your kids the important financial lessons of life you don't have the time to teach.

Our program is called “Budget Brainiacs,” a fun, online Club for kids ages 10 and up. They play games and watch videos to learn crucial financial skills.

When they master a skill and pass a quiz confirming it, they earn points they can use in an online store to “buy” prizes they want for their young lifestyles, like a cool wallet or backpack – in styles for both boys and girls.

Skills such as how to:

- open a savings account and put money in it each month
- balance a checkbook
- make a monthly budget – and stick to it!
- apply for a job
- apply for an apartment
- pay bills
- buy a car
- buy insurance
- start a business
- avoid debt
- give to charity
- and much more!

Here's the secret: You'll know your kids are learning valuable financial skills. But they'll think they're playing and getting rewarded for it. You'll enjoy the pride in knowing you're one wise mom!

Age-Appropriate Activities

“Budget Brainiacs” has two tracks: one for 10-14-year-olds, and one for 15-18-year-olds. With these two tracks, we better serve your child's needs and wants. You, mom, can relax and feel confident, knowing your child is engaged in wholesome, age-appropriate activities.

You have flexibility, too. For example, if you feel your 14-year-old is ready for the older track, you can go ahead and put him or her there. If it turns out to be too difficult, just switch back.

From One Mom to You, Mom

My name is Loretta Lindsey. I founded “Budget Brainiacs” because, as a mom with an MBA, working as a bank executive, I saw the desperate need for financial education for our children. I can identify with your fears and frustrations about our kids and their education.

I joined forces with financial experts and educators to create the “Budget Brainiacs Club” especially for tweens and teens. There is no other financial literacy website available developed specifically for  tweens' and teens' wants and needs.

You, mom, can feel confident knowing “Budget Brainiacs” meets national standards for personal financial education.

Since the website's launch only six months ago, over 200,000 families have joined the “Budget Brainiacs Club.” It has rock-solid financial backing from investors who believe in the program's success.

What the Experts Say

Dave Ramsey, best-selling author of numerous books on family finances, and a nationally-syndicated talk show host, calls “'Budget Brainiacs' the best website to teach kids how to ensure their 'Financial Peace' as an adult.”

Shanna Peeples, National Teacher of the Year, 2015, says, “The educational principles of 'Budget Brainiacs' are sound and used creatively to provide fun, enlightening and rewarding financial skills for children 10 years and older.”

What the REAL Experts – MOMS – Say

Julie Sanders, a mom in St. Louis, writes, “Each of us in our local mommy group enrolled our tweens in the 'Budget Brainiacs' Club. All I  can say is HOORAY! Our kids love earning points for stuff they really want, while also learning how to budget for things and avoid debt. Thank you!”

Theresa Bazell, a mom from Austin, Texas, writes, “I home-school my children. Your program is fantastic! Every day, my kids ask, 'When are we going to Budget Brainiacs?' It's such a relief to know my children will be well-prepared for managing their money when they embark on their own lives as adults.”

Halle Walters, a mom in Atlanta, writes, “I'm a professional mommy blogger who gets about 30,000 hits on my site each month. Based on the comments posted about 'Budget Brainiacs,' you have a home run! Moms tell me their 13-year-olds talk about how dumb it is to rack up debt. 13-year-olds! Wow! Thank you!”

A Wise Investment in Your Child's Future

As you can see, “Budget Brainiacs” is a truly wise investment in your child's education and future as a financially responsible adult. By signing your child up for “Budget Brainiacs,” you, mom, have even more proof you're one responsible mother.

When you join “Budget Brainiacs,” you'll get secure online access to the Club, with your very own “Budget Brainiacs Family Center” on the website, www.BudgetBrainiacs.com.

The cost in only $19.97 per child, per month. That's just 67 cents a day. Less than the price of a Krispy Kreme® donut!

You're not locked in to any long-term contract. If, for any reason, “Budget Brainiacs” does not meet your expectations, you may cancel at any time by clicking the “Cancel” button on your Family Center page.

You can opt out for any child, and keep the others in the Club. And you'll receive a prompt refund of the unused portion of the monthly subscription rate.

But we think you'll stay with us. We have one of the highest customer satisfaction ratings of any business: 98%!

Get Peace of Mind

Get peace of mind, knowing your child has the financial literacy to succeed in the adult world on his/her own.

Why not join now? All you have to do is fill out the enclosed application and mail it in the enclosed envelope. As soon as we receive it, we'll email you a temporary password that you can change to one of your own liking.

Or, call our friendly Customer Service Staff for product information and Club Membership from 9 AM to 6 PM EST, Monday through Friday. Just call 1-800-XXX-XXXX.

We look forward to serving you right away.

Sincerely,



Loretta Lindsey
CEO
Bestfin, Inc., creator of “BudgetBrainiacs.com.”

P.S. If you order now, we'll give each child 50 points immediately, so he or she can more quickly earn enough points to redeem for a valuable prize.

P.P.S. If your application is postmarked by January 15th, or you call our Customer Service number (1-800-XXX-XXXX) and join by January 15th, we'll send a FREE WALLET to each child you sign up! Your child even gets to choose the wallet he or she wants from our online store.



Order Device:

Yes, Loretta! I want to sign my children up for the “Budget Brainiacs Club” for only $19.97 per child, per month. I understand that my satisfaction is 100% GUARANTEED, and I may cancel Club Membership at any time, for any child, and receive a prompt refund of the unused portion of the monthly subscription rate. I want to be one of your 98% satisfied customers and ensure that my kids are financially literate.

Name of child #1:______________________________
Gender: M/F   Birthdate: __/__/____ (MM/DD/YYYY)

Name of child #2:______________________________
Gender: M/F   Birthdate: __/__/____ (MM/DD/YYYY)

Name of child #3:______________________________
Gender: M/F   Birthdate: __/__/____ (MM/DD/YYYY)

In addition, each child will receive the following FREE GIFTS:
- 50 reward points immediately
- A FREE wallet if I call you or postmark my envelope by January 15th

Mailing Address:
Name: ________________________
Address: _______________________
        _______________________
        _______________________
Phone: ________________
Email Address: _______________________________

Payment:
____ Please charge my credit card for $19.97 for each child registered, per month.

___Visa ___MasterCard ___Discover ____American Express
Name on Card: ______________________
Credit Card #_______________________
Expiration Date:__/__  Security Code (3 or 4 digits) _____
Billing Address (if different from mailing address):
Name: __________________________
Address: _______________________
        _______________________
        _______________________

Signature: __________________________________

----------------------detach--here-------------------

Lift Note:  

Michael J. Jacobs, Ph.D.
National Education Association
Washington, D.C. 20036

Why I'm convinced your child should join the “Budget Brainiacs” online Club.

From the desk of Michael J. Jacobs, Ph.D.

Dear Friend,

I have thoroughly tested the “Budget Brainiacs” program and am happy to report that it meets – and even exceeds – the National Standards for Financial Literacy for ages 10 through 18.

Not only that, it does so in a fun, engaging way, suitable for each age.

Moreover, “Budget Brainiacs” is the only program that keeps children motivated to learn by offering valuable prizes when they successfully master a particular skill.

I highly recommend “Budget Brainiacs,” and urge all parents of children ages 10 and up to start this program immediately. It is never too early for your children to learn the responsible use of money.

Sincerely,

Michael J. Jacobs, Ph.D.
National Education Association

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Hi Eve!
This is brilliant! I especially love your lead - you're playing off the desire for parents to teach their children everything they can and to help them be successful AND the fear that they haven't done enough. I also like how you position the REAL experts as the moms Smile

My only suggestion would be to play up these emotional appeals in the headline itself. The headline focuses more on how the children can be successful and not on how this product will help moms be good parents. Even though you've appealed to the 4 U's, I think that added emotional appeal will help prospects continue reading.

Great job!

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3 Reply to Jenn on Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:05 pm

Hi, Jenn,

Thanks for your comments.

The truth is, my reviewer didn't like my headline. She gave it only 2.25 points. She complained that I mentioned the name of the product in the headline and that I shouldn't have because this is a "front-end" promotion (where the reader has never heard of your product before), and people don't like being "sold" so I shouldn't put the product name right at the top.

Anyway, I rewrote the headline. I don't know if it's any better, but I'd appreciate your comments.

Headline:

Get a good night's sleep starting today, knowing your kids 10 and up are now learning financial skills for a lifetime of success.

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I like it! It's good to know that we shouldn't mention the product name in the headline - I don't remember reading that!

Have a great weekend!
Jennifer

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